


A Battle No One Knows About

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Depression, F/F, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 10:17:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11621496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	A Battle No One Knows About

As I sat on our couch, curled up into a tight ball, searching for that ever-evasive warmth both inside and out, I wondered how long it would be until Emily walked away from me too. Everyone did. It was just a matter of time. 

She wasn’t home yet. Work, of course, had kept her late again, but knowing how difficult things had become since she’d taken over as Unit Chief, I never really held that against her. She would forever be everything I wanted. 

Sitting next to the window where the cold was most pervasive probably wasn’t the best idea considering I was seeking warmth, but something about the said and look of the rain hitting against the windows was what I sought out during times like these - times like I felt my world was going to fall apart, and nothing, no person, no situation, no super bottle of crazy glue, would help put it back together. 

Summer nights kept the light in the air awake longer, but the storm rolling in made my street look like it was veiled in darkness, finally ready for sleep after a long and taxing day. That’s probably why I liked storms during times like these. I didn’t know anyone else who felt the way I felt, but Mother Nature and I were one in the same. 

I’m just so tired. I’m tired of not being good enough to have people stick around - and I dread the day when Emily comes to the realization that I’m not good enough for her. 

After a brief reprieve, the rain picked up again, even stronger, beating down with such intensity that it practically knocked the umbrella out of Emily’s hands as she made her way up to our apartment. Though soaked to the skin, she still managed to look radiant as she walked in, the dampness of her hair and the slight trails of makeup running down her face seemingly making her even more beautiful to me, lifting the corners of my mouth into the smallest of smiles. “Hey baby,” she said as she walked back toward our bedroom to get into some dry clothes. “I’ve missed you today.” 

“I’ve missed you too,” I replied, trying my best to choke back tears. “I always do.” Turning into her embrace, her chest no longer flush against my back, I cuddled into the nape of her neck, the smell of coffee and rain with just the slightest bit of licorice bouncing off her rain-damp skin. I tried to keep the tears at bay, but each second made it harder, until I could no longer dam the tears.

They flowed like the rain at first, soft and steady, to the point where Emily didn’t even notice until I sniffled. “Hey,” she cooed softly. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m just having a really bad day. A bad couple of weeks, I guess,” I said. I wanted to say more, get out everything I’d been feeling, but emotion took over and I started to cry even harder, burying my head in my girlfriend’s chest as she rubbed my lower back and cradled my head in her arms.

Emily kissed the top of my head. “What’s wrong, baby?” She asked. “I’m here.”

I knew she was. She always was. Because she was too good for me, but I was truly finding it difficult to speak. For a few minutes, I said nothing and allowed her to comfort me. “Everyone leaves,” I finally said. “Everyone leaves because I’m not good enough. I-I’m just s-so tired of not b-being good enough for anyone.”

“Who says you’re not good enough?” Emily asked me, turning my face upward to hers so I was looking her directly in the eyes. 

I choked on my words as I stared at my girlfriend through a sheen of tears. “No one has to say it. They say enough when they walk away.” After two years together, Emily knew the people that had walked out of my life for one reason or another. It never got any easier. “I’m just so tired of being alone.”

Emily kissed my forehead again and wrapped her arms around my shaking frame. “I know it may not seem like it, but the people that have walked out of your life just weren’t meant to be there. They made a choice. A bad one. But that’s no reflection on you.”

Deep down, I knew she was right, but dammit if it wasn’t hard to actually believe. “I’ve just had so many people walk away from me, Em. It’s like a given in my life. All of them half left me, and they’re people I never thought I’d be able to live without. I still have a few people like that,” I said, staring at her through her curtain of raven hair, “But history tends to repeat itself and I don’t know if I can live without the rest of the people I still hold dear. I’m scared, Em.” The tears picked up again, burning my face as they left trails in their wake. “I’m so scared of never being good enough.”

“Me too,” she said.

What was that?

“Really?” Why would Emily ever not feel good enough? “Why?”

“Everyone’s fighting a battle no one knows about,” she replied. “I constantly feel not good enough. At work, I feel like maybe if Hotch were still here things would be better. At home, I worry that I’m not able to give you enough. That I’m failing you somehow. People may not always voice what’s going on their heads, but you can basically be sure that everyone has something.” That was honestly not what I had been expecting to come out of her mouth. To me, Emily was perfect, the raven-haired beauty with a heart of gold that could also easily kick your ass - absolute perfection. But yet even she sometimes didn’t feel good enough. “I don’t want perfect from you. Do you love me?”

“Of course, I do,” I replied quickly, pushing up from my place on the chair to meet her gaze. 

“That’s all I need. I don’t need or expect perfection. All I want is you, because I know you, and you know me. And I promise I’m not going anywhere.” Pulling me in, her lips grazed mine and I found myself melting into her now warmed skin, the slick from the rain having worn off. “Like I said before, some people leave, but that’s their choice. You can only do the best you can.”

Emily was always right. I knew it, but it was hard to remember it sometimes, and it was hard to force away that thought that the world would be better off without me in it. “I just always wonder-”

“I know,” she said, cutting me off. “You are meant to walk this Earth. And you were meant to walk it the same time as me. That I’m sure of. Please…I don’t care how often you feel that way, never hesitate to let me know. Allow me to tell you how much I need you, how much the world needs you, until you can realize that in turn, okay?”

With a soft sob, I curled into her chest and clutched on for dear life, the feel of her flannel pajama pants the only thing keeping me anchored to the world. My brain was going to struggle for a long time. Of that I was sure. But with Emily by side, at least I wouldn’t have to fight my battle alone. Despite my deepest thoughts, I was never truly alone.


End file.
